1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
F |
|||
 |
Bagels | 0 |
10 |
4 |
7 |
21 |
|
 |
Chicken Pluckerz | 0 |
17 |
6 |
1 |
24 |
In a game that felt more like a battle of who could score fewer points, the New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz managed to edge out the Cincinnati Bagels, 24-21. Both teams looked like they were competing for the league’s “Most Unimpressive Win” award, but hey, a win is a win—especially when you’ve only had two of them all season.
Cincinnati, led by QB C.J. Stroud, might as well have been playing with a mannequin under center. Stroud managed just 105 passing yards with no touchdowns, proving that sometimes, it’s better to have no QB at all. On the bright side, Breece Hall finally woke up from his season-long slumber, racking up 141 yards and finding the end zone for 7 points. “It only took me half the season to realize we were playing football and not a game of tag,” Hall quipped after the game. David Montgomery’s quiet 70 yards, however, added nothing to the scoreboard—perhaps he thought it was a yardage-only league.
On the other side, the Pluckerz weren’t exactly soaring to new heights, but they did just enough to scrape by. Kirk Cousins threw for 231 yards and a single touchdown, mostly to prove he could actually do something productive before disappearing into the abyss again. Brian Robinson and Jordan Mason combined for a whole 6 points on the ground, which felt like a heroic effort compared to the Bagels' offense. Jonnu Smith, however, was the standout for New Whiteland, catching one touchdown and finishing with 96 yards. “Just doing my best to salvage this sinking ship,” Smith said while shrugging off any notion that this was the start of a comeback.
Even the kickers tried their best to steal the show. Cincinnati’s Ka'imi Fairbairn drilled three field goals for 10 points, keeping his team in the game because someone had to. Meanwhile, Jason Sanders of New Whiteland had a quiet day with just four points—most likely because he was too bored to kick more.
Cincinnati owner Les Paul Couch was seen shaking his head in disbelief post-game. “We’ve got to get more than just Breece Hall out there running like his hair is on fire; I need everyone else to act like they know what the end zone looks like.” New Whiteland owner Kevin Julbert, meanwhile, was too busy celebrating what felt like a Super Bowl win after the victory, remarking, “Hey, a win’s a win—even if it’s ugly.”
Both teams will need to find some consistency moving forward, but for now, New Whiteland can at least say they’ve doubled their win total. As for Cincinnati, they might want to start considering a new playbook—or maybe just playing a different sport altogether.
Cincinnati Bagels C.J. Stroud 105 yds Breece Hall 141 yds, TD 7 David Montgomery 70 yds Jaylen Waddle 11 yds Jordan Addison 66 yds Gabe Davis 13 yds Evan Engram 35 yds Ka'imi Fairbairn 3 FG's, xp 10 Cleveland Browns 223yd, 3s, <250yd 4 New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz Kirk Cousins 231 yds, TD 6 Brian Robinson 71 yds, TD 6 Jordan Mason 69 yds Michael Pittman 63 yds Jerry Jeudy 18 yds Andrei Iosavis 0 yds Jonnu Smith 96 yds, TD 7 Jason Sanders FG, xp 4 Los Angeles Chargers 326yd, i 1