1
2
3
4
F
  Whalers
14
9
0
12
35
  Sunrise
7
22
13
10
52

Hartford Whalers Get Sunk by Tequila Sunrise’s Morning Glory

In what can only be described as a game where optimism goes to die, the Hartford Whalers visited Tequila Sunrise and left with more questions than answers after a 52-35 defeat. For Hartford, it was less of a football game and more of a group therapy session in trying to figure out how everything went so wrong.

Patrick Mahomes: The Lone Bright Spot (Again) Hartford’s quarterback, Patrick Mahomes, did his best to play hero ball, tossing for 279 yards and two touchdowns. “I’m starting to think my team might be holograms,” Mahomes said post-game, shaking his head as he reviewed yet another week where his heroic efforts were squandered. Despite his solid performance netting 12 points, the Whalers’ other players seemed more interested in being whale washed up on the metaphorical beach.

Josh Jacobs put up 125 yards and found the end zone twice, contributing 13 points and a whole lot of grumbling about carrying the team.  “He wants to complain that he is carrying the Whalers; said Allen who looks at his phone, you can go tell him I just traded his ass to Philadelphia. Besides, he always brought Avocado toast to our Gilmore Girls watch parties.” Javonte Williams and Tony Pollard, meanwhile, showed up to the field like it was a casual Saturday jog, notching a combined one point for their troubles. "I’d love to see one of you guys score,” Mahomes reportedly muttered while glaring at them from the sideline.

Russell Wilson must have read the playbook as “let your teammates carry you” because his 285-yard, one-touchdown effort looked more like a warm-up routine. But that didn’t matter because Tequila’s trio of Bijan Robinson, De'Von Achane, and J.K. Dobbins combined for a barn-burning 20 points, enough to make any owner reconsider their entire lineup strategy. Achane’s 147 yards and a touchdown? Let’s just say Hartford’s defense was more interested in sightseeing than stopping him.

Hartford’s Puka Nacua and Jayden Reed may have confused “routes” with “strolls,” adding little to the scoreboard despite some yardage that kept the stats people awake. Meanwhile, Sam LaPorta of Tequila Sunrise caught one touchdown and celebrated like he had just found out his student loans were forgiven. “It was only one TD, but when your QB is Russell ‘Let’s Ride’ Wilson, you take what you can get,” LaPorta said, smirking.

With this loss, the Whalers looked less like a ship and more like driftwood. “I need a hug or a miracle,” Mahomes whispered as he walked off the field. On the flip side, Tequila Sunrise owner Jeff Dixon was seen basking in the glow of a victory that reminded everyone why they’re not to be underestimated when it’s brunch time.

In conclusion, Hartford leaves with more bruises to their pride than points on the board, while Tequila Sunrise struts into Week 9 like a team ready for more chaos.

Hartford Whalers
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Patrick Mahomes 279 yds, 2 TD's 12
RB
Josh Jacobs 125 yds, 2 TD's 13
RB
Javonte Williams 52 yds  
RB
Tony Pollard 117 yds 1
WR
Puca Nakua 111 yds 1
WR
Jayden Reed 55 yds  
TE
Dalton Schultz 52 yds  
K
Evan McPherson FG, 2 xp's 5
DEF
Philadelphia Eagles 280yd, s, i, f 3
 
Total:
35
 
Tequila Sunrise
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Russell Wilson 285 yds, TD 6
RB
Bijan Robinson 106 yds, TD 7
RB
De'Von Achane 147 yds, TD 7
RB
J.K. Dobbins 68 yds, TD 6
WR
Amon-Ra St. Brown 7 yds, TD 6
WR
Romeo Doubs 72 yds  
TE
Sam LaPorta 48 yds, TD 6
K
Jake Bates FG, 7 xp's 10
DEF
Denver Broncos 284yd, 2s, 2i 4
 
Total:
52