1
2
3
4
F
  Lords
1
18
11
6
36
  Dark Side
8
24
17
0
49

"A Dark Day for LA's Defense and Burrow's Reputation"

Philadelphia’s Jalen Hurts finally remembered that he can, indeed, play quarterback, torching the Los Angeles Lords with four touchdowns and leaving Joe Burrow wondering if he should take up knitting as a safer hobby. “I just want to make my coaches proud,” Burrow said, before nervously checking his phone for text messages from Los Angeles owner Jason Beaver that read, “Do better.”

Jalen Hurts had a game that would make Nick Saban weep with joy. Throwing for 273 yards and four touchdowns, he seemed to have Philly’s offensive coordinator whispering, “Pretend it’s 2017, Jalen.” With Terry McLaurin contributing 125 yards like it was nothing and Cade Otton channeling his inner Gronk with two touchdown catches, the Dark Side put up 49 points with a swagger that made even their mascot smirk. Kareem Hunt showed up to the game with the enthusiasm of someone who was promised a post-game buffet, rushing for 63 yards and scoring one touchdown. “I wanted to do more, but, you know, cardio is overrated,” Hunt said while sipping on a protein shake and avoiding eye contact with Burrow.

Mark Andrews did his best to keep the Lords afloat, catching one touchdown pass with a look that said, “See? This is how it’s done, Joe.” Ja’Marr Chase managed to add a score, too, but only after giving Burrow a death stare that could melt steel. “We needed more than that today,” Chase muttered while side-eyeing Burrow with all the subtlety of a reality TV drama.

Despite putting up 115 yards, Jefferson’s impact was like that extra guacamole you pay for but can’t really taste. “I’m just here so I don’t get fined,” he joked, channelling Marshawn Lynch while watching the Lords’ defense fold like a cheap chair from the sidelines.

This game was a showcase of Philly’s reemerging offensive prowess, while LA and Joe Burrow continued their epic saga of “What Happened to Us?” With Hurts playing like he’s back in college and Burrow playing like he should be back in college, this 49-36 outcome left everyone with more questions than answers.

LA owner Jason Beaver was last seen seething about the loss to “his son” and thinking about last year when he won it all. “Until next year”.

Los Angeles Lords
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Joe Burrow 259 yds, TD 6
RB
Kareem Hunt 63 yds, TD 6
WR
Justin Jefferson 115 yds 1
WR
Ja'Marr Chase 54 yds, TD 6
WR
George Pickens 74 yds  
WR
Ricky Pearsall 77 yds  
TE
Mark Andrews 36 yds, TD 6
K
Younghoe Koo FG, 4 xp's 7
DEF
Buffalo Bills 233yd, s, i, f, <250yd 4
 
Total:
36
 
Philadelphia Dark Side
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Jalen Hurts 273 yds, 4 TD's 24
RB
Alvin Kamara 122 yds 1
WR
A.J. Brown 84 yds  
WR
Terry McLaughlin 125 yds 1
WR
Jaxon Smith-Njigba 69 yds  
WR
Tyler Lockett 9 yds  
TE
Cade Otten 81 yds, 2 TD's 13
K
Wil Reichard 2 FG's, 2 xp's 8
DEF
Seattle Seahawks 445yd, s, i 2
 
Total:
49