 |
 |
|
|
|
1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
F |
 |
|
Chicken Pluckerz |
9 |
6 |
29 |
0 |
44 |
 |
|
Subs |
7 |
6 |
0 |
22 |
35 |
The Battle of "Well, At Least We Showed Up"
In a game that only their mothers could love, the New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz proved that sometimes mediocrity is enough to secure victory, defeating the New Delhi Subs in a battle that left both teams looking like they were auditioning for a mid-season slump compilation video.
Kirk Cousins, who usually shows up just in time to underwhelm, shocked everyone by throwing for 292 yards and four touchdowns. "I just told myself, ‘Don’t mess this up,’ and here we are," Cousins said, glancing at the scoreboard as if it might suddenly reveal it was all a mistake. Brian Robinson and Jordan Mason combined for 94 yards and a grand total of zero touchdowns. "We’re really focused on conserving our energy for absolutely no reason," Robinson said post-game, holding an ice pack and a blank stare.
Brock Purdy put up 316 yards and two touchdowns, which is impressive until you realize he was playing against a defense that only remembers to cover receivers 50% of the time. "We had a great game plan, and then we didn’t," Purdy admitted, scratching his head like he just discovered existential dread.
Travis Kelce finally found the end zone and contributed a hearty seven points, reminding everyone that he can still score when New Delhi’s offensive coordinator remembers he exists. "I’d like to thank my publicist and my connection to Taylor Swift for this moment," Kelce joked while doing a half-hearted dance.
Kenneth Walker and Kyren Williams had a combined 161 yards, which, for New Delhi, is like finding an extra fry at the bottom of the bag—nice, but ultimately disappointing when you’re starving. "At least we had a few good runs before we forgot how to finish," Walker shrugged.
The New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz waddled away with a 44-35 win, proving that sometimes being less bad than your opponent is all it takes. New Delhi owner Pete Shaunki was reportedly seen mumbling to himself about "trading everyone by the deadline."
New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz |
Pos. |
Player |
Stats |
Points |
QB |
Kirk Cousins |
292 yds, 4 TD's |
24 |
RB |
Brian Robinson |
76 yds |
|
RB |
Jordan Mason |
18 yds |
|
WR |
Michael Pittman |
16 yds |
|
WR |
Jerry Jeudy |
79 yds |
|
TE |
David Njoku |
61 yds, TD |
6 |
TE |
Jonnu Smith |
20 yds |
|
K |
Jason Sanders |
2 FG's, 3 xp's |
9 |
DEF |
Los Angeles Chargers |
366yd, 5s |
5 |
|
|
Total: |
44 |
|
New Delhi Subs |
Pos. |
Player |
Stats |
Points |
QB |
Brock Purdy |
316 yds, 2 TD's |
13 |
RB |
Kenneth Walker |
45 yds |
|
RB |
Kyren Williams |
116 yds, TD |
7 |
RB |
Aaron Jones |
95 yds |
|
WR |
Davante Adams |
54 yds |
|
WR |
Amari Cooper |
3 yds |
|
TE |
Travis Kelce |
90 yds, TD |
7 |
K |
Justin Tucker |
FG, 3 xp's |
6 |
DEF |
Dallas Cowboys |
469yd, 2s |
2 |
|
|
Total: |
35 |
|
|