1 |
2 |
3 |
4 |
F |
|||
 |
Peanut Butter Balls | 6 |
20 |
0 |
30 |
56 |
|
 |
Bagels | 6 |
32 |
6 |
0 |
44 |
The Peanut Butter Balls Stick to Victory Over the Bagels
In what can only be described as an oddly carbohydrate-themed showdown, the Pittsburgh Peanut Butter Balls came out on top against the Cincinnati Bagels in a matchup filled with surprising moments, a few fumbles (metaphorically and literally), and more missed opportunities than a Monday morning commute.
Pittsburgh quarterback Lamar Jackson led the charge with 335 yards and two touchdowns, reminding everyone that he is essentially a human cheat code on the field. "I thought about taking a nap in the pocket, but then I remembered—oh yeah, I’m Lamar Jackson," he said, grinning as he single-handedly kept the Bagels’ defense on life support.
Joe Mixon didn't come to play—he came to dominate, racking up 134 yards and a touchdown. He was so elusive that Cincinnati defenders started questioning if he was wearing camouflage. "I just closed my eyes and ran. Apparently, that’s what they call strategy," Mixon admitted post-game. James Conner chipped in with a respectable 69 yards and a touchdown, looking more like the reliable friend who brings the snacks to the party than the guy who steals the show. "Hey, I’m not flashy, but I get the job done," Conner said while munching on a peanut butter sandwich in the locker room.
Tight end George Kittle must have been channeling his inner superhero, racking up 128 yards and a touchdown like he was playing catch with Thor’s hammer. "Honestly, I was just waiting for them to triple-team me. They never did, so I kept catching the ball," Kittle shrugged.
Cincinnati’s C.J. Stroud looked like he was waiting for a bus instead of playing quarterback, with 275 yards and one touchdown to show for it. David Montgomery was the lone bright spot for the Bagels, scoring twice and reminding everyone that he can, in fact, carry the team—if only he didn’t have to also carry their emotional baggage.
Roschon Johnson added a touchdown, probably confusing even the most die-hard Bagels fans who might have Googled “Who is Roschon Johnson?” during the game. "I’m just happy to be here, honestly," Johnson said, beaming as if he’d just won a raffle.
In a game where both teams’ offenses showed up but only one defense did, Pittsburgh walked away victorious while the Bagels were left to reconsider their life choices (and their entire strategy). "Well, we tried," said the Bagels coach, visibly contemplating an early retirement.
Pittsburgh Peanut Butter Balls Lamar Jackson 335 yds, 2 TD's 13 Joe Mixon 134 yds, TD 7 James Conner 69 yds, TD 6 D.J. Moore 34 yds Diontae Johnson dnp George Kittle 128 yds, TD 12 Noah Fant 22 yds Brandon Aubrey FG, 3 xp's 6 Pittsburgh Steelers 394yd, 4s, i, f, TD 12 Cincinnati Bagels C.J. Stroud 275 yds, TD 6 Breece Hall 89 yds David Montgomery 41 yds, 2 TD's 12 Roschon Johnson 6 yds, TD 6 Jaylen Waddle 45 yds Gabe Davis 0 yds Evan Engram 36 yds, TD 6 Ka'imi Fairbairn 3 FG's, 2 xp's 11 Cleveland Browns 387yd, 3s 3