1
2
3
4
F
  Personality
0
5
26
13
44
  Kats
0
6
25
0
31

"A Battle of Yardage and Missed Opportunities"

The match-up between Taipei Personality and Tabbi’s Kats turned out to be an epic showdown between two teams who both forgot their defenses at home and relied on their offenses to put on a show. Taipei came out victorious with a 44-31 win, but it was the kind of game that left fans asking, “Did anyone play defense?” Spoiler alert: the answer was barely.

Taipei’s quarterback Dak Prescott had himself a day, throwing for 242 yards and two touchdowns while looking up from his playbook every now and then to check if he was still alive or had been magically transported to Heaven. "I felt like I was at a barbecue the way I was slicing up the defense," Dak joked post-game while snacking on some celebratory ribs.

James Cook decided he didn’t want to be outdone by the QBs and put up 133 yards and two touchdowns on the ground, adding a big exclamation mark to his stat sheet. “I just kept running until someone in a different-colored jersey told me to stop,” said Cook. Spoiler: no one did.

Josh Allen for Tabbi's Kats did everything short of physically carrying his teammates into the end zone, passing for 308 yards and two touchdowns. “I’m not saying I need more help, but I’m starting to think the waterboy is more productive than some of my teammates,” Allen quipped with a smile that only half-joked. Derrick Henry showed up and did his thing with 77 rushing yards and a touchdown, looking like he was ready to bulldoze through a brick wall just for fun. D’Andre Swift also added some excitement with 129 yards and a touchdown, pausing mid-celebration to wonder why his effort was getting overshadowed by defensive blunders on the other end.

Kyle Pitts remembered he was actually on the team and posted 91 yards and two touchdowns, giving fantasy football managers everywhere a glimmer of hope that he might just be relevant again. “It’s called being fashionably late,” Pitts said with a smirk, finally showing up halfway through the season.

Tabbi’s Kats fought valiantly but ultimately couldn’t keep up with the relentless offensive pressure from Taipei. “Maybe next week we’ll put some people in the secondary,” joked Tabbi’s defensive coordinator, already searching online for ‘how to play defense for dummies.’

As for Taipei, they’re heading home with a victory and a few hundred yards of bragging rights. “It’s always good when your offense shows up, and your defense, well… shows up too, I guess,” their head coach said, shrugging while sipping a well-deserved celebratory drink.

Taipei Personality
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Dak Prescott 242 yds, 2 TD's 12
RB
Saquon Barkley 111 yds 1
RB
James Cook 133 yds, 2 TD's 13
WR
Malik Nabors 71 yds  
WR
Tyreek Hill 72 yds  
WR
Wan'Dale Robinson 30 yds  
TE
Kyle Pitts 91 yds, 2 TD's 13
K
Nick Folk 2 xp's 2
DEF
Baltimore Ravens 401yd, 2s, f 3
 
Total:
44
 
Tabbi's Kats
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Josh Allen 308 yds, 2 TD's 13
RB
Derrick Henry 77 yds, TD 6
RB
D'Andre Swift 129 yds, TD 7
RB
Chuba Hubbard 71 yds  
WR
Deebo Samuel 86 yds  
WR
Keenan Allen 39 yds  
TE
Cole Kmet 14 yds, 2pc 2
K
Cairo Santos xp 1
DEF
Chicago Bears 481yd, 2s 2
 
Total:
31