1
2
3
4
F
  Subs
12
3
6
10
31
  Dark Side
18
0
18
33
69

"Balanced Attack" Edition: Because Apparently, New Delhi Didn't Get the Memo

In a game that showcased Philadelphia’s well-rounded offensive firepower and New Delhi’s sheer knack for mediocrity, the Dark Side dismantled the Subs 69-31. It was a day where everyone on Philadelphia’s roster seemed to have brought their A-game, while New Delhi showed up with, well… their B-team?

Philadelphia’s quarterback Jalen Hurts did his best impression of a human cannonball, tossing for 297 yards and three touchdowns like it was a casual Sunday stroll. “I’m just out here having fun,” Hurts remarked post-game. “Turns out when the other team isn’t covering your receivers, things get pretty easy!” And cover they did not, as Jaxon Smith-Njigba had the game of his life, putting up an eye-popping 180 yards and two touchdowns. Somewhere in New Delhi, Pete Shaunki is still wondering how he let that happen.

New Delhi’s offense was as bland as it sounds. Derek Carr showed up, threw for 236 yards, and mustered a single touchdown. “I thought we were supposed to score by getting close to the end zone,” Carr said, clearly not understanding that touchdowns usually require crossing the end zone. Kenneth Walker and Kyren Williams, both of whom racked up yards but couldn’t score, seemed content with burning calories and padding their stats.

Davante Adams, a recent acquisition for New Delhi, did try to make an impact with 91 yards and a touchdown, but by then the game was already slipping away faster than New Delhi’s playoff hopes. Travis Kelce, meanwhile, managed 100 yards and no touchdowns, but hey, at least he’s still “the boyfriend of.” Taylor Swift was not available for comment.

Even the Detroit defense got in on the fun, racking up a defensive touchdown to seal the deal and make sure any remaining sliver of New Delhi’s morale was stomped out.

Philadelphia owner Avan Beaver, clearly enjoying himself, said, “We might have to make this an annual tradition: Destroy New Delhi Day.” New Delhi’s owner, Pete Shaunki, responded only with a sigh and the sound of multiple trade calls in the background.

All in all, it was a game that reaffirmed the pecking order in the IFFL: Philadelphia as contenders, New Delhi as… let’s say, “rebuilders.”

New Delhi Subs
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Derek Carr 236 yds, TD 6
RB
Kenneth Walker 107 yds 1
RB
Kyren Williams 95 yds  
RB
Aaron Jones 82 yds  
WR
Devonta Smith 87 yds, TD 6
WR
Davante Adams 91 yds, TD 6
TE
Travis Kelce 100 yds 3
K
Harrison Butker FG, 3 xp's 6
DEF
Atlanta Falcons 378yd, 3s 3
 
Total:
31
 
Philadelphia Dark Side
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Jalen Hurts 297 yds, 3 TD's 18
RB
Alvin Kamara 215 yds 6
RB
Josh Jacobs 108 yds 1
WR
A.J. Brown 36 yds  
WR
Terry McLaurin 19 yds  
WR
Jaxon Smith-Njigba 180 yds, 2 TD's 15
TE
Cade Otton 77 yds, TD 7
K
Wil Reichard 3 xp's 3
DEF
Detroit Lions 411yd, i, TD 7
 
Total:
69