1
2
3
4
F
  Chicken Pluckerz
9
27
1
0
37
  Fightin' Ditkas
5
6
3
0
14

"Worthy of a Subzero Performance" – Chicago's Offense Takes a Snow Day

The New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz waltzed into Chicago and came away with a smooth 37-14 victory over the Fightin’ Ditkas, who evidently decided that points were just a “nice-to-have” in this week’s game plan. New Whiteland brought a competent if uninspired offense to the table, and Chicago responded by bringing… well, almost nothing at all.

Kirk Cousins turned in a respectable performance with 211 yards and three touchdowns, single-handedly accounting for New Whiteland’s offensive excitement. “I just threw the ball and hoped they’d catch it,” Cousins said with a shrug. It seemed like a foolproof plan—until it wasn’t. New Whiteland’s WR Rome Odunze was apparently so bored he decided to rack up 104 yards without scoring, but hey, every yard counts, right?

Meanwhile, Brian Robinson forgot he was supposed to gain yards, finishing with a perfect zero. When asked about it postgame, Robinson replied, “It’s really hard to run when no one blocks. I thought standing still was a decent compromise.”

For Chicago, Caleb Williams managed to toss 222 yards with the kind of precision that led to exactly zero touchdowns. "I've got this whole 'no scoring' thing down to an art," Williams joked. He was backed up (kind of) by Alexander Mattison, who put up a modest 36 rushing yards without scoring, leaving fans to wonder if his plan was to run for three yards and fall down repeatedly.

And then, there was Xavier Worthy, who, against all odds, managed to finish the game with -10 yards receiving. “I’m just trying to break records,” Worthy said, proudly holding up his stat line like a certificate of dubious achievement.

New Whiteland owner Kevin Julbert said of the game, "It wasn’t our best performance, but against Chicago, it didn’t have to be.” Meanwhile, Chicago owner Shadd Wright was last seen trying to figure out how to make negative yards a positive. “Next week,” he muttered, “we’re aiming for just zero.”

In the end, the Chicken Pluckerz head home with a comfortable win, while Chicago is left wondering if they can turn their season around—or just keep chasing that record for the most negative yards in one game.

New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Kirk Cousins 211 yds, 3 TD's 18
RB
Zach Charbonnet 33 yds  
WR
Michael Pittman 14 yds  
WR
Rome Odunze 104 yds 1
WR
Jerry Jeudy 73 yds  
TE
David Njoku 29 yds  
TE
Jonnu Smith 46 yds  
K
Jason Sanders 2 FG's, 3 xp's 9
DEF
Los Angeles Chargers 292yd, 6s, 3i 9
 
Total:
37
 
Chicago Fightin' Ditkas
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Caleb Williams 222 yds  
RB
Alexander Mattison 36 yds  
WR
Drake London 27 yds, TD 6
WR
Xavier Worthy -10 yds  
WR
Keon Coleman 21 yds, 2pc 2
WR
Brian Thomas jr. 22 yds, 2pc 2
TE
Hunter Henry 56 yds  
K
Cam Little xp 1
DEF
Washington Commanders 326yd, 2s, f 3
 
Total:
14