1
2
3
4
F
  Mexican'ts
3
5
13
6
27
  Personality
0
14
20
0
34

When "Mexican'ts" Really Meant "Mexican'ts"

San Antonio’s dreams of domination took a vacation in Taipei, where the Mexican'ts stumbled and Taipei Personality handed them a 34-27 loss in a game that felt like a battle of "who could underperform the least."

Quarterback Jared Goff managed a humble 143 yards and one lonely touchdown, giving fans a nostalgic reminder of his days when completing a pass was a major victory. "I mean, I got the ball in the end zone once. Isn't that enough?" Goff shrugged after the game, clearly missing the memo about the need for, you know, more points.

Nick Chubb and Devin Singletary seemed to be in "exploration mode," as Chubb racked up a hefty 35 yards while Singletary followed closely with 33. Neither sniffed the end zone, but San Antonio wideout Zay Flowers tried to salvage some dignity, pulling off 127 yards and two touchdowns. “I can only carry the team so far,” Flowers commented, adjusting his imaginary cape.

Taipei didn’t exactly soar to victory either. Dak Prescott went a little "stealth mode," putting up 163 yards and just one touchdown, as if he was saving his real energy for something other than football. "You win some, you…do the minimum necessary in others,” Dak shrugged, looking like a man completely at peace with mediocrity.

However, the one bright spot for Taipei was Saquon Barkley, who absolutely decided to show up with 199 yards and two touchdowns, delivering a win almost single-handedly. When asked about his dominant performance, Barkley responded, “Somebody had to bring some energy to this game. Might as well be me.”

In a game where points were at a premium, the kickers actually became relevant. San Antonio’s Cameron Dicker added a modest three points, while Taipei’s Nick Folk went all out, nailing two field goals and contributing eight points. Folk was all smiles afterward, saying, “Feels good to outscore half the guys on the field.”

In a game where both teams seemed to be competing to see who could do the bare minimum, Taipei Personality scraped out a 34-27 win. San Antonio falls to a close loss and continues to wonder how much lower they can set their bar without actually digging a hole.

San Antonio Mexican'ts
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Jared Goff 143 yds, TD 6
RB
Nick Chubb 35 yds  
RB
Devin Singletary 33 yds  
WR
Michael Wilson 0 yds  
WR
CeeDee Lamb 62 yds, 2pc 2
WR
Zay Flowers 127 yds,2 TD's 13
TE
Tyler Conklin -3 yds  
K
Cameron Dicker 3 xp's 3
DEF
Houston Texans 293yd, 2s, f 3
 
Total:
27
 
Taipei Personality
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Dak Prescott 163 yds, TD 6
RB
Saquon Barkley 199 yds, 2 TD's 15
RB
James Cook 69 yds  
WR
Malik Nabors 59 yds  
WR
Tyreek Hill 80 yds  
WR
TuTu Atwell 16 yds  
TE
Kyle Pitts 11 yds  
K
Nick Folk 2 FG's, 2 xp's 8
DEF
Baltimore Ravens 319yd, 4s, i 5
 
Total:
34