1
2
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F
  Whalers
4
0
12
15
31
  Chicken Pluckerz
0
0
8
11
19

Score To Win? Instructions Unclear

In a matchup that could be described as "watching paint dry—if the paint occasionally threw a touchdown," the Hartford Whalers managed to eke out a 31-19 victory over the New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz. The win keeps Hartford’s slim playoff hopes alive, while New Whiteland’s playoff aspirations were plucked yet again, much to the disappointment of fans who’ve been clinging to the dream like a chicken to its last feather.

Hartford’s QB Justin Herbert did just enough, tossing two touchdowns on a modest 196 passing yards, apparently deciding that extra yardage was too much work. Tony Pollard and the rest of the Whalers’ running backs were more or less in hibernation, combining for a whole lot of nothing—well, technically 165 yards, but zero points to show for it. Herbert, seemingly the only Whaler aware there was a game, commented, “You know, sometimes less is more. Unfortunately, today it was just…less.”

The real MVP for Hartford was their defense, which racked up 15 points thanks to some serious yardage control and timely sacks. Philadelphia’s defense held New Whiteland to just 146 total yards and racked up three sacks, four forced fumbles, and an interception, making the Chicken Pluckerz offense look like they were scrambling more than scoring.

New Whiteland’s Kirk Cousins threw for 306 yards but decided to keep the end zone off-limits, scoring just 1 point. Running back Brian Robinson apparently took the day off (zero yards, zero points), leaving fans wondering if he even remembered to set his alarm. Jason Sanders tried to save some face for the Pluckerz, putting up 11 points from field goals alone, but there’s only so much a kicker can do.

So while the Whalers keep their playoff candle flickering, New Whiteland’s postseason hopes are looking more like a dim glow in the distance. But hey, there’s always next season—or at least, there’s always the offseason, which is where the Chicken Pluckerz might be heading a bit early this year.

Hartford Whalers
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Justin Herbert 196 yds, 2 TD's 12
RB
Tony Pollard 63 yds  
RB
Jaylen Warren 95 yds  
RB
Javonte Williams 7 yds  
WR
Puka Nacua 98 yds  
WR
Curtis Samuel 35 yds  
TE
Dalton Schultz 66 yds  
K
Evan McPherson 4 xp's 4
DEF
Philadelphia Eagles 146yd, 3s, i, 4f, <150yd 15
 
Total:
31
 
New Whiteland Chicken Pluckerz
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Kirk Cousins 306 yds 1
RB
Brian Robinson 0 yds  
RB
Jordan Mason 5 yds  
WR
Rome Odunze 23 yds  
WR
Xavier Leggette 40 yds  
WR
Andrei Iossivas 29 yds  
TE
Trey McBride 71 yds  
K
Jason Sanders 3 FG's, 2 xp's 11
DEF
Los Angeles Chargers 289yd, 7s 7
 
Total:
19