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Barkley Buries the Scarecrows in Taipei Triumph

The South Carolina Scarecrows flew into Taipei hoping to keep their playoff hopes alive but were greeted by the unstoppable force known as Saquon Barkley. Barkley didn’t just run; he dominated—posting a staggering 302 yards and two touchdowns, effectively dragging Taipei across the finish line while the rest of the team looked on in awe (or took a nap). They left with a 56-43 loss.

Jordan Love threw two touchdowns, which sounds impressive until you realize one of them was an accidental tip-off of a defenders helmet that miraculously landed in his own receiver’s hands. His 165 passing yards were about as inspiring as a bad karaoke performance. “I’m not saying we gave up, but when I saw Saquon sprint 70 yards past five of our defenders, I started considering my offseason travel plans.”

While Matt Stafford’s 258-yard, two-touchdown outing was quietly efficient—if by “quietly,” you mean “overshadowed by Barkley.” Stafford later said, “It’s nice to have Saquon because it means I don’t have to do everything myself for once.”

Let’s be honest—this game was the Saquon Show. 302 yards and two touchdowns? That’s not a stat line; it’s a flex. Barkley broke every tackle, ran through defenders like they were holograms, and even stopped for selfies mid-run. “It’s not every day you get to play a defense that tackles like they’re auditioning for a dance recital. I felt like I was in the zone, or maybe it’s just because they weren’t in mine.”

Kicker Wil Lutz nailed five field goals and two extra points, scoring 17 of South Carolina's 43 points. Rumor has it, he even lobbied to line up at running back after seeing Jonathan Taylor struggle.

“I told Barkley before the game, ‘Just pretend they’re not there.’ Turns out, that’s exactly what they did too.” said Taipei owner Andrew Wang.

Taipei’s win keeps their playoff dreams alive, while South Carolina continues to freefall faster than a broken elevator. If the Scarecrows were hoping for a spark, they need to look somewhere other than their current roster—or maybe invest in a time machine to revisit their early-season form.

South Carolina Scarecrows
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Jordan Love 165 yds, 2 TD's 12
RB
Jonathan Taylor 35 yds  
RB
Aaron Jones 129 yds, TD 7
WR
Mike Evans 68 yds  
WR
George Pickens 48 yds  
WR
DeAndre Hopkins 35 yds, TD 6
TE
Dallas Goedert 19 yds  
K
Will Lutz 5 FG's, 2 xp's 17
DEF
Los Angeles Rams 481yd, s 1
 
Total:
43
 
Taipei Personality
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Matt Stafford 258 yds, 2 TD's 12
RB
Saquon Barkley 302 yds, 2 TD's 36
RB
Tyjae Spears 0 yds  
WR
Malik Nabors 64 yds  
WR
Tyreek Hill 48 yds  
WR
Tutu Atwell 30 yds  
TE
Pat Freiermuth 59 yds  
K
Jake Moody FG, xp 4
DEF
Baltimore Ravens 285yd, 4s 4
 
Total:
56