1
2
3
4
F
  Peanut Butter Balls
6
0
13
20
39
  Sunrise
10
17
0
24
51

Tequila Sunrise Clinches #1 Seed with a Smooth Finish

The Tequila Sunrise secured the #1 seed and a first-round bye with a 51-39 victory over the Pittsburgh Peanut Butter Balls, proving once again that margaritas taste better when you’re winning. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh stumbled into the playoffs despite the loss, all while QB and supposed MVP candidate Lamar Jackson sat out due to his “mental health day.” It seems Lamar decided to trade touchdowns for self-care this week. Lamar Jackson (from the sidelines) “Mental health days are important, but honestly, this team gives me anxiety.”

It was an underwhelming quarterback duel as Patrick Mahomes (227 yards, 1 TD) and Geno Smith (233 yards, 1 TD) failed to light up the scoreboard. Mahomes did just enough to steer Tequila to victory, while Geno looked like he was trying to remember what playoff football feels like.

“I’m not saying I mailed it in,” Geno said postgame, “but let’s just say I forgot to bring a stamp.”

Bijan Robinson carried the day for Tequila, rumbling for 101 yards, a touchdown, and a 2-point conversion for a total of 9 points. The rookie phenom ran like his legs were fueled by tequila and lime juice. Complementing him was De’Von Achane, who added a touchdown, proving that Tequila’s backfield is as dangerous as its bar tab.

Not to be outdone, Gus Edwards made a surprise appearance in the end zone, mostly to remind everyone he’s still on the roster.

Pittsburgh’s George Kittle tried his best to keep the Peanut Butter Balls spread evenly on the playoff bread with 151 receiving yards. Unfortunately, it seems like no one else got the memo. WRs DJ Moore, Amari Cooper, and Joshua Palmer combined for a big fat nothing-burger in the touchdown department.

“I told them to just throw me the ball,” Kittle said. “Apparently, that was too complicated.”

Tequila’s defense gave a steady performance, holding Pittsburgh to 358 yards and picking up 2 sacks. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh’s defense had flashes of brilliance with 3 sacks and 2 interceptions, but the offense didn’t give them enough to work with.

Tequila heads into the playoffs as the team to beat, armed with the league’s most balanced attack and the swagger of a squad that just clinched the top seed. Pittsburgh? They’ve got some soul-searching to do before Wild Card weekend, especially with Lamar Jackson’s mood ring dictating their chances.

If Tequila’s dominance continues, expect a playoff run as smooth as their margaritas. If not, well, at least they have Bijan.

Pittsburgh Peanut Butter Balls
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Geno Smith 233 yds, TD 6
RB
James Conner 122 yds, TD 7
WR
D.J. Moore 49 yds  
WR
Amari Cooper 95 yds  
WR
Joshua Palmer 78 yds  
TE
George Kittle 151 yds 12
TE
Noah Fants 18 yds  
K
Brandon Aubrey 2 FG's, 2 xp's 8
DEF
Pittsburgh Steelers 300yd, 3s, 2i, f 6
 
Total:
39
 
Tequila Sunrise
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Patrick Mahomes 227 yds, TD 6
RB
Bijan Robinson 101 yds, TD, 2pc 9
RB
De'Von Achane 69 yds, TD 6
RB
Gus Edwards 36 yds, TD 6
WR
Amon-Ra St. Brown 53 yds  
WR
Jauan Jennings 90 yds, 2 TD's 12
TE
Sam LaPorta 54 yds  
K
Jake Bates 2 FG's, 4 xp's 10
DEF
Jacksonville Jaguars 272yd, 2s 2
 
Total:
51