1
2
3
4
F
  Mexican'ts
11
7
5
52
77
  Kats
0
0
36
9
45

San Antonio Upsets Tabbi's in Wild Card Round: Jared Goff Unleashes Fury, Josh Allen Left Wondering What Happened

Ladies and gentlemen, we witnessed a Wild Card game so shocking that even Hollywood rejected the script for being "too unrealistic." The San Antonio Mexican'ts, with a quarterback whose name is synonymous with "meh," pulled off one of the most dominant offensive performances in playoff history to send the Tabbi's Kats packing. Jared Goff became "Jared GOAT" for one night, throwing for 507 yards and 5 TDs, ensuring his name will be muttered in disbelief for weeks to come.

The Mexican'ts rolled into this rematch with a vendetta. After letting Josh Allen torch them for 6 touchdowns last week, San Antonio’s defense showed up with one collective goal: “Not Again.” They didn’t exactly stop Allen—430 yards and 4 TDs is still impressive—but Jared Goff decided to out-crazy him in a QB shootout for the ages.

"Honestly, I thought we were playing Madden on rookie mode,” Goff said post-game while casually sipping a celebratory margarita. “I just kept pressing 'X' and hoping my guys would get open. Turns out, it worked.”

While Goff's stat line looked like something straight out of a fever dream, San Antonio’s defense deserves a hat tip as well. The Mexican’ts racked up 5 sacks and forced 6 turnovers. At one point, the Mexican'ts’ defense was seen asking Josh Allen if he could "please sit down for a second and let someone else have the ball."

What happened to Tabbi’s? Josh Allen did his part, racking up 430 yards and 4 TDs, but he got about as much help as a cat trying to fetch a stick. Derrick Henry? 67 yards of cardio and no end zone. Deebo Samuel? More like Deebo “No-Show” with just 19 yards. And let’s not forget Cairo Santos, who was kicking field goals like he knew this was his last game of the year.

By the time San Antonio's defense forced yet another turnover, the Tabbi’s sideline looked like a group of people who had just realized they were double-charged for guac at Chipotle.

With the win, San Antonio now heads to the Divisional Round to take on Tequila Sunrise, the IFFL’s top seed. The Mexican'ts will need to bottle up whatever Goff drank this week if they want to stand a chance. When asked about the upcoming matchup, San Antonio owner Tanya Harless said, “If Jared throws for 500 yards again, I’m personally buying everyone in Tequila a taco.”

Tequila, be warned: the Mexican'ts are coming in hotter than habanero sauce, and Jared Goff might just be the best thing since sliced bread—or at least since sliced zone defenses.

Tabbi's Kats will lick their wounds and turn their attention to the offseason, securing the 10th overall pick in the 2025 IFFL Draft. Owner Tabbi Brewer was seen consoling Josh Allen on the sidelines, whispering, “We’ll get you more help next year. I swear.”

Whether they draft a player, trade the pick, or select a highly qualified sports therapist for Derrick Henry remains to be seen.

The Mexican'ts put up 77 points, Jared Goff turned into a superhuman, and Tabbi's season ended with a resounding thud. If this is what the Wild Card round has in store, bring on the Divisional Finals—San Antonio is ready to rumble, and Jared Goff’s throwing arm is on fire.

San Antonio Mexican'ts
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Jared Goff 507 yds, 5 TD's 54
RB
Nick Chubb 41 yds  
RB
Najee Harris 21 yds  
WR
D.K. Metcalf 28 yds  
WR
CeeDee Lamb 116 yds, TD 7
WR
Zay Flowers 53 yds  
TE
Travis Kelce 27 yds  
K
Cameron Dicker FG, 2 xp's 5
DEF
Kansas City Chiefs 266yd, 5s, 4i, 2f 11
 
Total:
77
 
Tabbi's Kats
Pos.
Player
Stats
Points
QB
Josh Allen 430 yds, 4 TD's 30
RB
Derrick Henry 67 yds  
RB
D'Andre Swift 89 yds  
RB
Chuba Hubbard 49 yds  
WR
Deebo Samuel 19 yds  
WR
Khalil Shakir 39 yds, TD 6
TE
Dalton Kincaid 53 yds  
K
Cairo Santos 2 FG's 6
DEF
Chicago Bears 329yd, 2s, i 3
 
Total:
45